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1.
don't you bother to explain it won't ease the pain the years go by, the wounds heal the scars reside where i still feel is it weird to disappear? if you were who you could be it wouldn't matter much to me if i was the right son would you have stuck around a little longer? no second chances or second thoughts it's only one life you've got i've learned my lesson, i learned a lot i learned the beating's not the hardest part is it weird to want to disappear? if you were who you could be it wouldn't matter much to me if i was the right son would you have stuck around a little longer? i spent too much time on trying to get by on not thinking about why you're gone well, this is life and life goes on
2.
*round eye sarah* i can't feel like that again all the voices in my head screaming to me, "turn the key" "kill them all" right here blood in the streets, oh no but in the streets, i'm home so i turn the key just a bit just enough so the voices quit all the people run away soaked in blood, they run away blood in the streets, oh no but in the streets, i'm home you can't escape my gun because in the streets, there's blood i can't defeat the demons in my mind i run away, but they are still inside rip out my tongue, take back all i have said these thought won't leave me until i'm dead blood in the streets, oh no but in the streets, i'm home you can't escape my gun because in the streets, there's blood
3.
time and time and time again i've just tried to live my life and all that means to all my friends is that i lied i don't want to die what will they say to you? well, what can they say? your suicidal thoughts are gone, you're older now and you've moved on what will they say to you? and what will you say? they should be happy for you, right? don't worry, they'll come around in time now i'm here on my own, i guess that's fine somehow i always seem to get by tearing down the pictures on my walls they meant nothing at all i wasted my time what will they say to you? well, what can they say? your suicidal thoughts are gone, you're older now and you've moved on what will they say to you? and what will you say? they should be happy for you, right? don't worry, they'll come around in time what will they say to you? well, what will you say? what are you gonna do when the pain goes away? cause nothing's ever meant to stay with you anyway
4.
even though times are harder they're just gonna get worse even if we falter we'll never escape the hearse all you can do is breathe and stay here with me i'll set you free from you it's not a battle if you give up before it starts you broke cause you couldn't handle all the broken hearts all you can do is leave and i'll believe i can make it out on my own father, father, can you hear us? you're so far, but always near us in our memories we'll leave this world to face our demons after all, there's no hell or heaven where do you think we're living? we are what we make ourselves this is what we make it out to be yeah even though times are harder they're just gonna get worse even if we falter we'll never escape the hearse all you can do is breathe and stay here with me i'll set you free from you all you can do is leave and i'll believe i can make it out on my own
5.
it's been a wild ride i've seen too many faces go by and i don't know why it's been a long time i spent a lot of time watching, waiting wondering why can't i face the facts? i know there's got to be more than this i swear, no matter how strong the current i will make it out alive is it true, what they're saying? that i won't really make it? how can you be so sure of yourself? i've got a lot of ideas but they only sound good on paper why oh why do i even try? why can't i just quit? there's no way i'll be more than shit i can't i'm just worthless i'm scared i won't make it out alive please believe in me why can't i just face the facts? i know there's got to be more than this i swear, no matter how strong the current i will make it out alive
6.
well he walks with his crown of thorns looks away from their seven snake eyes walks to places he's been long before walks away but he doesn't know why i don't if it's worth my time i don't think i should even try i won't know until i die well honor thy brother for life but his father is hard to come by forsaken by all of his kind his friends gave him away with a kiss i don't if it's worth my time i don't think i should even try i won't know it until i die faces blur [...] people wander until they're full taste the water, turn it to wine my last breath must burn my broken spine i don't if it's worth my time i don't think i should even try i won't know it until i die hung up on a cross left to die
7.
can you feel it in the air? the fat is thicker, the meat is rare no longer substance, but substance abuse the questions linger, who counts on who? you'll be back and i'll be here no moral compass, only fear forgive and forget, [...] cause that's what makes [.....]
8.
if there's a cure to my illness would it be bad if i had it all along? you say need to feel empty so you fill the holes with sex and drugs is it enough? do you sleep at night? are you alright? and can you take me somewhere far away? so i don't have to wait around anymore and can you take the pain far away? so i won't have to face my thoughts anymore i just have to keep saying i'll be okay and it will happen or at least i hope you'll never be as young as you are right now so don't waste it, kid don't wait are you sure you're fine? you don't seem alright and can you take me somewhere far away? so i don't have to wait around anymore and can you take the pain far away? so i won't have to face my thoughts anymore if there's a cure to my illness i don't want it, you can keep it i'll be fine and can you take me somewhere far away? so i don't have to wait around anymore and can you take the pain far away? so i won't have to face my thoughts anymore
9.
she looks over at me, what'd she say? what'd she say? and i hear my father's name what did he say? you'll be alright when you get home just turn off the lights your father left on and she tries to put in words what he says, what he says but she can't put in words what he did and i try to understand but the words don't exist i still can't find them i just don't know if it's worth it anymore to hold onto pain no one can ever know i'll just close my eyes, pretend i don't exist just like you wanted you never wanted me the years go by without a call it's not like i can just let go, just let it go a world torn apart, and a life down the drain hang yourself in shame i just don't know if it's worth it anymore to hold onto pain no one can ever know i'll just close my eyes, pretend i don't exist just like you wanted you never wanted me move on, move on the current's strong move on, move on, just carry on move on, move on, the world revolves move on, move on, life will go on move on
10.
we don't show that we care while you don't even know why you're here everyone that i've ever met has been turned down and been different so don't say i can't change just because i don't wanna lose cause i'm not gonna change for you when you go, it's who you were that leaves a mark on everyone so state your claims, and speak the truth is it really me? or is it you? so don't say i can't change just because i don't wanna lose cause i'm not gonna change for you don't say that i'm crazy this never was easy i'm out on my own and i could use some help so don't say i can't change just because i don't wanna lose cause i'm not gonna change for you
11.
i might be problematic, maybe i'm just a faggot maybe i'm not meant for this world at all and yeah, i am a loser self-righteous self-abuser maybe if it were you against the world you'd see from my perspective not just what you've selected maybe my reasons are valid after all and can you even blame me? even my girlfriend hates me maybe i'm not meant for this world at all tell me you're right, when i know you're wrong we could fight all night because there are ten ways to the sun and i know you won't believe a word that i'm saying cause that'd be too hard with ten ways to the sun you'd think we'd agree on one there's nothing left to discuss just ten ways to the sun and if you think you're like me a no-good dropout like me maybe you're not meant for this world at all and all your friends are losers they're only there to use you maybe you should try and chase them off and be a loner like me walk with your head down like me maybe you'll disappear if you wish hard enough cause no one here believes you no one believes in you maybe someone will see what was there all along just give me a chance let me sing my song i could wait all my life because there are ten ways to the sun and i know you won't believe a word that i'm saying cause that'd be too hard with ten ways to the sun you'd think we'd agree on one there's nothing left to discuss just ten ways to the sun
12.
cellophane wrapped over your face no one's listening anyway die by your own hand be a martyr for this town let youthful innocence ever slow you down the cuts too deep are the ones that hang around they'll never wash away or heal it's too late for 'sorry' now there's no fixing the mess as it is now no moving forward, just wandering around if you had one more day what would you have to say? what would you keep to yourself? i'd like to know, so turn the car around december smile lost in the rain well, let's all step back and rethink things my damage was done in dollars and cents but i lost myself and there's no coming back so do you still think i was a villain all this time? i'm a victim to myself i've been a victim all my life woah is me, you see cause that's the way it's time to forgive, while i'm still living if you had one more day what would you have to say? what would you keep to yourself? i'd like to know, so turn the car around
13.
i wandered by the sea where the tears meet the sand tried to shake your voices out of my head i stitched up the wounds but the sutures have come undone the worms crawl out after rain just to die in the sun well, you can't expect the old dog to have learned new tricks if the tiger's stripes haven't changed - always fixed but it's all so simple when you try to erase things as the worms dry out, so do my friends fade if you get to heaven, please, would you wait for me? cause i can't make it in on my own please forgive me my old friend i will wait forever just to walk beside you thru the gates you can't change where you come from don't forget that don't give up on me if you get to heaven, please, would you wait for me? cause i can't make it in on my own please forgive me my old friend i will wait forever just to walk beside you thru the gates
14.
the pills, they help, but do they work? to me, it seems, all they do is hurt we rarely know what's happening until it all has happened she wanted more from this life to her, anything was fine don't take life too seriously no one gets out alive anyway she felt like no one loved her when she lived inside my heart things made for good can do such bad things done in love can lash back you wanted more from this life you wanted it done out for you well all that's gold is rusty and all that shines is shit underneath she wanted more from this life to her, anything was fine don't take life too seriously no one gets out alive anyway
15.
i never know what to say because it doesn't matter when i have a lost to say, the silence lingers i don't really see much here for me anymore i guess i've lost my way, my dear could you show me to the door and all these things that i fear can never take me away from here cause i don't wanna be another afterthought to you and i don't wanna leave without knowing if what you said was true cause all my life i've been waiting for someone to pick me up again and i don't wanna be another afterthought to you anymore i want you in my arms for the world to see so they can do no harm to you or me but no one really cares what i have to say anyway it goes to show that they're gonna hate me anywhere i go and all the things that you fear don't let them take you away from here cause i don't wanna be another afterthought to you and i don't wanna leave without knowing if what you said was true and all my life i've been waiting for someone to pick me up again cause i don't wanna be another afterthought to you anymore it's you i've waited for cause i don't wanna be another afterthought to you and i don't wanna leave without knowing if what you said was true all my life i've been waiting for someone to pick me up again cause i don't wanna be another afterthought to you anymore it's you i've waited for

about

I will be releasing all the music I have created in my dismal life slowly over the coming weeks, exclusively on bandcamp, in order to clear out the archives and turn the material over to the world. Most of it is not pretty or even good by most measures, but every single song has had a part in my growth as a human being and for that alone I feel they deserve at least the opportunity to be heard and dissected.

this is probably the most eclectic mix of recordings released under the yearly banner thus far. 2013 was a wonky year. most of my output that year was directed towards specific projects, and so the songs that live on here under the throwaway banner of "2013" were mostly either songs without a home to begin with or were meant as rough drafts for future studio recordings (see: all the 'guitar and vox' demos).

of the 15 recordings here, only 6 are complete recordings, further nailing home the point made above. most of my creative output this year is heard on Life & Death, Swan Songs Too, and RoundPeg/SquareHole. the 'other' songs, the "guitar and vox" tracks, were songs that were contenders for a second EP, recorded in that form just to send to the band and brian's dad. some saw life elsewhere, the rest live on just thru these recordings. oddly enough, of the songs that were demoed as "guitar and vox" tracks for the second EP, only one track made the cut - 'downer' - and the rest ended up either seeing new life elsewhere down the line or simply frozen in time as these crappy demos.

credits

released June 3, 2021

casey k: guitars, bass, piano, keys, drums, drum programming, ebow, vox

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The Insurrectionists Poughkeepsie, New York

sad music for happy people

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